Today I wore this T-Shirt to work. There’s nothing particularly special about it but this is the first time I’ve ever worn it out and I’ve had it since January 2015. I ordered it from Storefoundry and when it arrived I realized I had ordered a T-Shirt one size too small and when I wore it, I noticed I had a slight potbelly which wasn’t too flattering. My first thought was to send it back but for some reason I didn’t.
I had a lot of shitty things going on in my life at that point and low self esteem from body image was an unwelcome addition so I decided to do something about it. I started jogging.
The first time I went jogging, I thought I was surely going to die. I could barely breathe and when I got back, I had aches and pains in places I didn’t know I even had. I honestly thought of giving up but I went again the next day and the next and the next. Soon I was running 5km on the regular and it felt good but I still couldn’t wear the T-Shirt and that was vexing.
I remember once while running through the Awudome Cemetery I got chased by a mad man. I transitioned from jogging to running in one single motion so fast that the poor mad man wouldn’t keep up
Soon I started to actually enjoy jogging. I got restless if I went a whole week without jogging. This year, I run my longest distance 18.59km. I’m hoping to run 20km by July.
I’ve learned through it all that motivation and pain sometimes go together. Getting to the place I wanted to was painful.
The shitty situations that I talked about in the earlier paragraph inspired some of the most beautiful poems I’ve written.
People are constantly asking me what inspired some of my poems, why do I run, why am I always smiling? Well, pain, shame, hurt, grief, rejection, heartache, sadness and all sort of negative emotions.
I smile because, it can’t get any worse than that one day when I sat on the floor in my room and suddenly burst into tears because all the shit in my life was making no sense. After crying for God knows how long I decided it couldn’t get any worse.
Today I’m wearing this T-Shirt. It says, “Onward Christian Soldier”. I’m not overly religious but Onward Christian Soldier makes sense to me. I can’t see that potbelly, that feels good….